My Labour Story

I had such high hopes for my labour all throughout pregnancy. 

I did the prenatal yoga. 

I educated myself on everything about birth. 

But I chose NOT to educate myself on C-Section births as that wasn’t going to happen to me. 

I would have a natural labour and birth my son in the water. 

I would have a positive experience and be gifted a new baby boy without force, pressure or medical intervention. 

I was wrong. 

I speak about this story not to scare people who are pregnant, but to educate that there are many ways labour can go. I was naïve and maybe a little optimistic that this natural process would only be a transformative experience for me. 

Please do not read on if you would prefer to not listen to the challenges I faced. 

Unfortunately, I faced a 4 day early labour period which was quite traumatic to say the least. When you hear early labour, you probably think oh so this is when you start to feel something, but you can at least watch TV or go for a walk. But early labour for me was contractions every 5 mins or so for 4 straight days. It wasn’t until Sunday midday that my cervix began to properly dilate. I was not prepared for this. This was not supposed to be part of my story. 

What I know now is that I was incredibly stressed as my baby was 10 day late. I went into the hospital to get a stretch and sweep as this was what they suggested to get labour moving. They wouldn’t let me go over 14 days late, so I did what I was told. Now I know that this is one of the causes of long set early labour that does not progress naturally. If I had known this before, there would have been no way in the world that I would have gone into that hospital to get this small but invasive procedure. 

I was a first-time mum. I didn’t know just how much stress that placed on me to get the baby moving as I stewed over when and how the labour would start. I remember going to yoga and just sitting there and crying my eyes out about wanting it to start. The teacher said to me that the baby was definitely coming. That night was when the contractions started. 

My first part of my journey was beautiful. I was in my room with the lights low, my husband and mother by my side supporting me as I moved through each surge. It was challenging but I was in my grove and I just moved and danced however way I wanted to in order to manage. After about 10 hours of this process I was sure the baby was on his way as the contractions were intense.  I found it difficult to not go to the hospital so we went to just check so where I was at. But when I got there, and they checked me I was only 3cm dilated which was nowhere near where I thought the last 10 hours would have got me. 

They said go home, have a shower and try to sleep in between contractions. I looked at them like they were crazy as there was no way I could sleep through this kind of pain. They said you have to go home as he’s not ready yet. 

What I also didn’t know was that I had a generalised anxiety about hospitals due to my mother being carted away when I was 12 for brain surgery when she has a tumour removed. That very memory has imprinted in my brain and I thought I was going to lose her. This created a strong fight or flight response otherwise known as a stress memory. This was not helpful for me to trust the hospital that they would do what they needed to take care of me as due to it being a public hospital, they did not induce for labours not progressing. Instead they just let me wait it out. 

I went home and endured some of the toughest hours of my life as I didn’t feel safe, and I knew after each small break the pain was going to come back and it hurt like hell. Each time I could no longer handle being at home, I would go to the hospital and they would check me to see I had not progressed any further. It was so defeating as I couldn’t achieve what I wanted, and I had absolutely no control over it. I felt like I had failed at childbirth. I had been able to be successful in all other areas of my life, but for some reason labour was not something I would win at. Strange I know, but at that time of my life I thought that I was in control. Little did I know that nobody is in control with birthing. 

So, I did my best and managed to get from Thursday evening to Saturday evening and then I was admitted to hospital. I was given some drugs to ensure I could sleep as I was exhausted. My mother and husband were told to not stay overnight and that they needed to get some rest, so I was all alone. The midwives had limited compassion towards my circumstances and when I vomited drugs onto one of them, I felt they truly deserved it as I was not in a good place. When I finally got a caring midwife, I really remembered them. It doesn’t take much to be caring and considerate to new mums. We have never been in that situation before, so it’s important to look after new mums. 

Sunday I was sitting next to my husband and they checked me and suddenly I was being moved into the birthing unit. Thank goodness I almost cheered. It was happening. Something was happening. I didn’t even care what that was as there was some progress. At last! I went straight into the room and stood in the shower as the warm water really helped. Then I got into the bath and it was one of my favourite parts of my journey. I now know that that is how I labour best. I wish I had a bath at home for that long period of time and that’s what I would suggest to any future Mum. It was bliss and I could move through the currents like a dolphin. My waters were still intact, so the midwife popped them. Then she said after another hour if the baby doesn’t move into the birth canal then we may have to do other interventions. 

I was gutted. I had thought it was all clear from here on in. I thought things are progressing. I’m in a rhythm and I felt good. But was soon brought back to earth as my baby was poorly positioned and it didn’t seem likely he was going to move into the right spot. 

They told me to have an epidural and then they would give me some fake oestrogen to flood my system to trick it into birthing. Little did I know that this was to form a lot of trauma in my body about this whole experience and it wouldn’t be until 4 years later that I was ready to address this. I would tell my story with tears in my eyes and each time I saw a pregnant woman wince in fear that the poor person wouldn’t have to go through what I did. 

After the epidural I could finally rest and I could text people, call my mum, eat something and life was good. But then I could feel the pain returning but my body was numb. It was like the endless pain wouldn’t let up and give me a break. They decided to prep me for a c section as the baby was starting to get distressed. Too right he had had enough just like I had. I said Yes let’s get him out. 

They prepared for the surgery and I remembered feeling incredible out of it. I could hardly open my eyes; I was shivering from the cold. I was so incredible exhausted. I lay there praying to God that this baby would be healthy, and I waited for the cry. They lifted him up into the air and I saw this white gooey mess and then heard the cry. I closed my eyes and knew it was over. But my life as a mother had just begun. The worries were to continue. 

They scooped him up and placed him near my head, but I could hardly see him as I was so out of it and I regret not having told them to place him on my skin. I was no longer being an advocate for myself and this is why it’s also important to have a doula or representative who knows your preferences for you birth because even if it is a c section you can still attempt to have the things you wanted with a natural birth. I noticed he had bubbles coming out of his mouth and gunk and they whisked him away far away into the special care nursery. 

Mustafa went with him and I was taken to recovery all by myself and me while I felt relieved, I was truly saddened that things had not turned out how I wanted. I didn’t see my baby until I woke many hours later approximately 6 hours later. I made sure I was up moving as soon as possible (even though it’s crazy now I think about it!) as I was up walking around at 11am when the surgery was 2am that same morning. 

I held him to my chest, and it was blissful. All the hard work had been OK. The challenges had only just begun though as I was to go on to have so many trouble breastfeeding, shoved a form to sign just hours after to say he must be fed formula and he stayed in the special care nursery for a few days. He was traumatised as was I and I really feel that so many women have similar experiences. You are not alone in thinking that this can be really tough. We are not allowed to mourn our experiences out of the risk of not focusing on the baby. Yes, we love our new babies, but you also need to give women that chance to discuss and emote the whole process. It wasn’t until many months later when my son would not sleep that I went to the sleep centre. While he slept for what felt like the longest time ever, I spoke to the counsellor there. I went through my entire story and I think it was the only person who I truly relayed the whole event to. It was the start of a refresh for me as I purged this story that didn’t sound like mine. I got it all out. I had felt guilty to complain about my experience. I had felt like I wasn’t ‘good’ at this job and I had so badly wanted to become a mother. I felt like a failure as I couldn’t feed my baby. Then the nurses said to me that I was effectively starving him. That was my 30th birthday too. I left that office thinking I was the worst mother. How could I have not realised that I was starving my child. He had looked like he was feeding, he was weeing, and he seemed happy. It was all my fault. 

I also didn’t know in this time that all my shadow and fears were being heightened by this crazy experience and hormones. They don’t tell you about how crazy the hormones will make you. It impacts your relationships, your health and your mental health. You are isolated all day thinking about what a terrible mother you are. I don’t want other mothers to suffer like I did. It’s simply not fair. 

4 years later I started my self-development journey and did a womb healing with an amazing birth doula and practitioner Anna Watts. She went through my experience and released the painful moments. We reprogrammed a new ending with my birthing in the bath and I lifted Ali out of the water and placed him on my chest. It was incredible and now all I can see in my mind is this very moment. All the trauma is released, and I know this past experience was not my fault.